I'm not gonna pretend nobody knows anything about consent - most of us have a personal understanding. With the complexity of interactions between people and the role self-perception plays in subjects of sex and sexual/non-sexual intimacy, I think it's important we define and explore it.

What is consent?

Consent is explicit permission. In this case, explicit permission for sex and other intimate activities (which can totally be non-sexual).

Although there are nonverbal cues that people give off, even if you really know the person, consent should be verbal. Verbal consent helps minimize the room for misconception, especially since sexual (and non-sexual) intimacy is highly based in personal perception for each individual, and the shared perception of those involved.

That said, picking up and relying on non-verbal cues - especially when you are close and experienced with the partner(s) - is justified, and necessary. Always respect any signs of non-consent, verbal or non-verbal. Verbal consent simply provides the most clarity.

It's worth noting that some people are completely non-verbal, or go non-verbal often enough that alternative methods of communication need to be established. Partners need to get on the same page about what modes of communication are reliable and comfortable for them in that context (and in general).

Consent is F.R.I.E.S

This means that consent is:

• F reely given - Coercion is rape. Manipulating someone into doing something you know they don't want to is not consent. Just because you pulled strings or forced someone to agree to something, doesn't mean it's what they want.
• R eversible - Consent can be given and taken away at any point. You (or your partner) suddenly not wanting to do something anymore, changing your mind, or deciding that you don't like something you are experiencing is valid and it is never too late to take back consent and stop, and that should be respected.
• I nformed - People who don't know that they are consenting to can't actually consent. It won't hold up in court, and it won't hold up to my fist.
• E nthusiastic - If people aren't happy about it/doing it, they probably don't want to do it; even if that isn't the case, it isn't a call you should make.
• S pecific - Just because you relate to one thing doesn't mean you consent to other things, even if they're related. You can consent to parts of something.

Pre-Intimacy Conversation

I recommend having a (at the very least semi-comprehensive) conversation about likes, dislikes, boundaries, and all relevant information BEFORE any sex/intimacy, but maybe not right as you are going to. Having that conversation right before sex may work for some people, but others may feel like it derails the mood or the process of sex/intimacy.

This is great for clarity, and not accidentally overstepping boundaries or doing something people don't like. Especially during intimate situations, people may not want to stop and have that conversation, even if it hurts - especially when it stems from dysphoria/trauma.

Even with partners who are non-verbal, there are multiple ways to have that conversation. Awkwardness is not an excuse, and if you can't find the maturity to talk about you're boundaries, you're not ready for sex/intimacy. It's possible (but not good) to have sex/intimacy and not be ready, so experience is not an indicator of readiness.

Mid-Intimacy Feedback Process

Feedback during sex/intimacy is important too. It's possible something wasn't mentioned during the pre-intimacy conversation, or perhaps you adjust the boundaries of your consent. You may just suddenly decide you don't want something, or don't want something now. It could be a couple of words, followed by a short response then moving on. It might be something more serious that has less brevity. Just don't be afraid to speak up.

Being able to be brief during sex is a big part of why the initial conversation is important. The ability to be super brief during sex/intimacy is something I find very helpful - and a good context for non-verbal communication.

The cause or interest of mid-intimacy communication could be anything from forgetfulness, to feedback to improve the experience, to just being how you engage in sex or intimacy, or prior trauma/fears coming up. It's important to make sure everyone feels safe and welcome giving feedback at any point of the intimacy process - even during it.

Post-Intimacy Feedback Process

While this could happen immediately after, people usually don't feel like discussing it then, and I wouldn't recommend feedback right after sex. It can detract from further intimacy following any sex/activity, and people may not have finished processing their thoughts and feelings.

However, I do recommend talking about it at some point, especially if y'all are both new to each-other or if there's anything you want to address. This might be the next day, the next couple of days, or whenever you all are comfortable. This can also be related to how frequently you engage in sex/intimacy.

Don't settle for something that ends up being mediocre sex/intimacy. Feedback is important, and it should be clarified that:

• Nobody should take offense at the feedback, not everyone may know this at first so it is helpful to ensure you and your partner are both aware of this.
• Nobody can just read your mind and be a sex god. You must communicate
• If healthy feedback causes you or a partner to get hostile or dismissive, or the receiver simply can't take it, they're likely insecure and not ready for sex and the surrounding intimacy.

If you (or a partner) are not ready for sex/intimacy or the communication around it, you should wait and build up the trust and communication skills necessary so that you can both have healthy sex/intimacy.

Overarching Topic: Communication

As we discussed, communication is a very large and important part to practicing good and healthy intimacy whether it be sexual or not.

Let's finalize with some reminders:

• Verbal Consent
• Most clear & understandable
• Most applicable for new relationships
• Try to use as primary method when possible
• Non-Verbal Consent
• Valid and important to consider
• Unreliable without immense familiarity with a person
• Can be built-up through experience and knowledge with your partner.
• Shouldn't completely replace verbal communication as things can change.

Resources

General

https://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/
https://www.npr.org/2021/03/01/972452455/navigating-consent-is-all-about-communication-heres-where-to-start
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent
https://wellness.sfsu.edu/sexual-communication-consent

On Campus Resources

The Q Center
The Women's Center (Men can go too!)
Office of Student Conduct & Care (CARE)
Office of Institutional Equity (OIE)
Director of Compliance / Title IX Coordinator (260-481-6107, as of D.O.P)

Worksheet and Inventory

These are comprehensive tools that help with establishing and keeping track of sexual likes, dislikes, boundaries, and more. It is extremely helpful if you aren't familiar with everything you would need to go over, and while these are comprehensive, there may be additional personal things to add. Regardless, it is a fantastic starting point.

https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-y...
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a...